Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
real
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
How did we not see this back then?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck