God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
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Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
oh u like geography? name every lake
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.