[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
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[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit