Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings