When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber