My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Yup
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.