Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
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Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.