Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I cannot stop laughing at this
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!