Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I think about this a lot
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.