“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
me and my fake scenarios
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure