“I wouldn’t.”
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany