Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
plums roundup
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.