[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
screw you
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
describing stardew valley
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog