Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
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Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe