I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Strangers have the best candy.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
rise and shine we got egg
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.