Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
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I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
sry
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Happy Friday
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did