After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
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me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist