I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
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Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?