Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward