Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.