tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?