Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit