[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
That took me a moment.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!