When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Barbie gone wild
Boom, boom, ching!
Best seat on the street 😍
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.