“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
*swipes right on my hand mirror
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.