“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Happy Thanksgiving
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here