Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking