me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?