This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.