Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
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Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
WHY?!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?