Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Its true…
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine