my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
technically true but not a great slogan
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first