Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.