toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all