TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?