Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I have a black belt in leather
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.