There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*