Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
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Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
You had me at “define legal”.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If only