Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?