I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
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Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again