judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.