[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
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Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.