Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Wednesday
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out