Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
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