I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.