[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo