There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.