Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
c’mon!
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old