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The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
😲 WTF? 😆
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.