7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]